A Merry(er) Christmas

While on our way home for the Christmas holiday, I reflected on last Christmas and it made me remember what a different feeling we had at Christmas last year.

Friday, December 21, 2012. I had just completed my first semester teaching high school. It was hard. It was tiring. It was emotionally draining. I was looking forward to having a long and relaxing break before heading back in January.

Also, I was looking forward to finding out what the gender of our baby was going to be as I was meeting Casey at the doctors office for our 20 week ultrasound.

I remember having the thought "I can do hard things" run through my head as we were waiting for the ultrasound. At the time I thought it was because I had just survived what felt like my first semester of teaching all over again. But then our midwife entered the room after what felt like a suspicious amount of time, and said, "this is dr. Kozack. She is going to go over your ultrasound findings with you." I now realize that feeling meant more.

There were a few people who knew we were having our ultrasound that day. I remember not answering phone calls or returning text messages. Not knowing what just happened or what to say.

But when I finally called my parents, it just came out. "It's a girl. And she's not ok."

And that was all I knew to say so I began to sob.

I often think back to that first conversation; the first time we had to tell someone about Piper's diagnosis. And those words still bring me to tears. Even for months after she was born I would hear those words "she's not ok" in my head and begin to sob.

And now, a year after that day we found out Piper had Spina bifida, I can look back on that day and realize that she is ok.

We were given the option to abort the pregnancy when we discussed our options. We didn't feel that this would warrant an abortion. She was healthy in every other aspect besides her spinal cord not closing. And she was our baby.

Today we've had MRI's and shunts. We have lots of doctors appointments and physical and occupational therapy. We catheterize and massage. We talk poop on a daily basis. But we're doing ok.

If I could change things, would I? Yes. I would make Piper perfect. I would take away her challenges and scars and let her have a life without surgeries and catheters and therapies. I would give her very advantage I could.

But, if I had to go back and do it all again, knowing what I know now, would I? Absolutely. Because Piper is more than ok. She is amazing. And I can't imagine loving her any more than I already do.

And this Christmas I am so grateful that I have Piper in my life. I am so happy that we get to celebrate her life everyday. And even though there are hardships and life isn't easy, we can do hard things and we are grateful. So very grateful.

Merry Christmas.